a minor freakout.

ahh.

im being emotional this week.

Is this what my life is going to be like in three weeks?

things are happening. school is ending. people are leaving. and i am not. i have not seen any glimpse of my future. i still have been applying for jobs, but never hearing anything back. yes, maybe i should have networked more but i don't even know if that would have helped.

my back is always tense

i am getting headaches like 394 times a day

and i think its because i am freaking out about the future....because pretty soon it will be NOW.

so i have started listening to every backstreet boy song to make me feel young again.

or something. i don't really think that is helping.

BAHHH is all i can do right now.

my old dream.

obviously, that dream is in the past. i am still trying to figure out my next dream though....

maybe i did pick the right major?

i hate the white sox. but this is good

it's complicated.

BAH! its spring! did it sneak up on you?

my life is soon coming to what i had been expecting all year long. graduation.

and no, i still don't know what i am doing. hence the title of this post. it's complicated.

it's complicated when people ask me what i am doing in may

it's complicated when people ask me what i want out of my life

it's complicated when you change your mind about things every hour and logic is different then feelings....

and

it's complicated to explain that i don't want to be in kansas city where my friends and family are.

for my birthday, i got a Garmin. this is part of the adventure--to go somewhere where i will actually need to use it, and not just use it because i have it (like i did tonight when i drove from KC to Manhattan. i can drive that with my eyes closed, but i love using new things!) and i do have this peace about my future, like i know God has something planned for me and he is going to show me so soon.

there are just so many things about this year that i didn't see coming and that have helped me understand myself a little more. and the fact that in one year, i will be in a completely different spot in my life, scares me--but one year ago i was in a whole different spot too and i'm fine.

so i will just keep living in this complicated life until things start to sort out.

and i will leave you with this. because it is simple. and not complicated.