what will life entail.

of course, this is the question i got asked most during break. and still no answer. obviously, i would have rejoiced and written about it. doesn't anyone read this? haha..

i'm kidding.

ok. break. good. i slept lots and my family was not happy that i did that.

the lake, always a joy. so pretty and such great times seeing family i hadn't seen in years. cousins are so great. and wicked and dinner with my sisters/mom also great. i like that musical, and the songs. we sang afterwards in the car. and then on saturday my friend kylie got MARRIED!?

WHAT?! i am now friends with a married friend. (i did have a married friend before, but this is beside the point.) her wedding was beautiful and she looked amazing. and it was all so cute. so congrats kylie and matt!

and today i saw The Blind Side with chelsi. we ate lots of popcorn, which will hopefully keep me full the rest of the night cause i have zero food in my house. but the movie was so great, and the fact that it is all real and true is so great too.

so a pretty boring blog post but there is my life for you all.

LOVE

a more positive post.

i think God reads my blog.

cause after my rant last time, i have heard his voice through sermons and other sorts of church things that tells me to be thankful for things. to be more positive about things. to look at things through rose colored glasses, if you will.

and i had such a great weekend. friday night, my best ies from high school came in town. and we went out with some work friends and it was so fun, and i loved it. and i love them. and i miss them lots. and lots.

and then last night was just good times with the ladies of the left six -laura. and a k-state game which we sadly lost.

but keep praying for me, that i can keep a more positive outlook on things. so i can be more joyful around you all.

LOVE

dear mom.(and kk.)

As I sit here in salsaritas, with KK, listening to awful music, trying to work on my paper, I get distracted. I start thinking about my future. I know that this is pretty much the only thing I talk about on this blog, but its really the thing on my mind all the time. I start looking online for job ideas, cause I don't even know what I want to do with my life...but these are the conclusions I have come up with.

A.Q. Miller School of Journalism. I blame you first. If I had known what I wanted to do before I came to college, I would not be sitting here in the basement of the K-State Union, drowning out Salsaritas music with Christmas Music (which I can't believe I am listening to before Thanksgiving, but my life is at a low, and this is one thing that can make it better) I would probably sitting at the University of Missouri, where maybe, there would be a professor that is under the age of 60 and knows something about technology. Maybe there, I would graduate with confidence in myself, that I could go out and find a job because I have had training on web design, and all the Adobe Creative Suite. Maybe there, I would have a school that is well known for a journalism degree, so that when someone looks at my resume they are impressed, rather then K-State? and start a laughing. Maybe there, they would be FRIENDLY when you enroll for classes, and not judge you or NOT SHOW UP FOR WORK when you have to turn in your STUPID piece of paper to let you enroll. I'm just saying.

I blame networking. You suck. Just cause I don't have the contacts/ confidence to bug people and ask about my portfolio doesn't mean I can't do a good job (from what I know, see above). I don't get how you are just supposed to all the sudden know people in your field, and they are just supposed to get you a job? WHat? then why do I even have a resume? Does anyone just hire these days? Nope. Maybe I should pay for a class about networking, rather then taking 6 classes about geology. "Do you know of anyone that can help you get an internship?" "No, but I can tell you what kind of cleavage that sedimentary rock has..." "YOUR HIRED". Yeah, like thats going to happen.

If college is about getting a degree and then getting a job, the LET ME TAKE CLASSES THAT WILL HELP ME. rather then telling me "No, you can't take web techniques, because there are too many advertising majors in there." WHAT? HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO COMPETE WITH THEM when we all graduate then?! Offer classes that tell me about insurance, what to do when you are unemployed and other such life lessons that I will soon learn in about 6 months. Don't make me take classes about rocks, biology or math.

What I want to do is design. Layout design, web design, create something. However, in the world, you need a graphic design degree to do such things. Did anyone ever tell me that I could have done a minor in graphic design? nope. sure didn't. And yes, i realize some of this is my fault, but I can't be expected to know everything. I want to find a job where I can be taught and work and create. I want a job in a new place, somewhere out of my comfort zone. Someplace I can be stretched and live without worry about finances.

But for now, I just worry. I have a constant thought of "I have no clue where or what I will be doing in 6 months." and this scares the living pants off me but also gets me excited cause who knows what God is going to bring to me in 6 months. Who know who I will meet, and start writing the next chapter of my life with. New friends, new coworkers, it all excites me. But for now, all I can hope for is Christmas break, and getting the things on my list like a toaster oven.

I know that this is all very negative and I do have so much to be grateful for, I have a house, I have food, I have friends, I have family. The Lord is good to me, and I love him for it. But to be honest, I have no clue what he has planned for me, I have not heard his voice in a long time.

School has consumed me more then any other semester, and everything I do in it tells me I just am not good enough. I don't know how to react from multiple things, classes, people telling me that it isn't up to par. Then teach me, show me, make me better. I can take criticism, I can take honesty, but please, PLEASE help me get better. Help me get the confidence to at least apply for jobs. That is all I am asking.

Love,

A troubled, low confident, not wanting to go to Grad School and just wants a job in May

Tricia.

cloud of doom theory.

ok,

so you know when you get your syllabuses at the beginning of the semester and you look ahead, and realize that everything is due in the same week? and then this cloud of doom forms and you can see it coming more in to view every day?

well friends, its getting closer. and behind it is another one with the word JOB looming in it.

its so dark, i can't even see thanksgiving, and christmas? haha, the only reason i know that is coming is because of the commercials on tv.

so dear cloud of doom,

i would appreciate it if you came and passed with no storms.

thank you,

love me.

welcome to my life.

it seems that every senior i talk to, this is the response i get...

"bahhhhhhhh"

and i will have to say, this is my response to any question you give me. how can i sit in the library all day, and not feel like i get one thing accomplished.

i think i put it the best last week, when i came home and just fell face first onto the couch and laid there. with my face in the couch, rainboots on, and backpack still on my back.

or maybe like today.

when i went to make soup and on the directions it said "one can soup, one can milk" and i called my mom and said, "milk comes in cart

ons, i don't understand".

there comes a point in the day, where all i can do is shut down, and it is coming earlier in the day every day. I dont know how i am going to have a real job, and be sane. i don't know how my mom raised 4 kids, while working, and being singl

e, and she is still WALKING! i am rethinking the number of kids i want....six is looking tough.

then there is the looming cloud of future that is coming closer with every blink of my eye. i have 0 clue of where i will be sitting one year from now. its starting to get to me.

its hard to stay mentally positive right now, so be praying for me.

on another note, i found this in my random reading on the internet--and i want to do this for a living. create fun and inventive things like this.

its kinda small. but i get lost in photoshop, or indesign or illustrator for hours. i could sit and try to create things all day and be fine. does this mean that this is my passion? I am still not convinced, or have enough confidence to look for a job like it. this comes back full circle to the cloud of doom that i mentioned earlier.

such is life...right?