it's complicated.

BAH! its spring! did it sneak up on you?

my life is soon coming to what i had been expecting all year long. graduation.

and no, i still don't know what i am doing. hence the title of this post. it's complicated.

it's complicated when people ask me what i am doing in may

it's complicated when people ask me what i want out of my life

it's complicated when you change your mind about things every hour and logic is different then feelings....

and

it's complicated to explain that i don't want to be in kansas city where my friends and family are.

for my birthday, i got a Garmin. this is part of the adventure--to go somewhere where i will actually need to use it, and not just use it because i have it (like i did tonight when i drove from KC to Manhattan. i can drive that with my eyes closed, but i love using new things!) and i do have this peace about my future, like i know God has something planned for me and he is going to show me so soon.

there are just so many things about this year that i didn't see coming and that have helped me understand myself a little more. and the fact that in one year, i will be in a completely different spot in my life, scares me--but one year ago i was in a whole different spot too and i'm fine.

so i will just keep living in this complicated life until things start to sort out.

and i will leave you with this. because it is simple. and not complicated.

welcome to my life.

it seems that every senior i talk to, this is the response i get...

"bahhhhhhhh"

and i will have to say, this is my response to any question you give me. how can i sit in the library all day, and not feel like i get one thing accomplished.

i think i put it the best last week, when i came home and just fell face first onto the couch and laid there. with my face in the couch, rainboots on, and backpack still on my back.

or maybe like today.

when i went to make soup and on the directions it said "one can soup, one can milk" and i called my mom and said, "milk comes in cart

ons, i don't understand".

there comes a point in the day, where all i can do is shut down, and it is coming earlier in the day every day. I dont know how i am going to have a real job, and be sane. i don't know how my mom raised 4 kids, while working, and being singl

e, and she is still WALKING! i am rethinking the number of kids i want....six is looking tough.

then there is the looming cloud of future that is coming closer with every blink of my eye. i have 0 clue of where i will be sitting one year from now. its starting to get to me.

its hard to stay mentally positive right now, so be praying for me.

on another note, i found this in my random reading on the internet--and i want to do this for a living. create fun and inventive things like this.

its kinda small. but i get lost in photoshop, or indesign or illustrator for hours. i could sit and try to create things all day and be fine. does this mean that this is my passion? I am still not convinced, or have enough confidence to look for a job like it. this comes back full circle to the cloud of doom that i mentioned earlier.

such is life...right?

senior year.

its starting.

the past two weeks i have had so much fun in manhattan. hanging out with my pledge class, moving in, getting my house somewhat cute. there have been some fun times and memories i will always remember.

and now school starts. which is strange. not ready for it, good thing i have no class on mondays. one thing i am excited for this year, my internship. already been hooked up with sweet polos and jackets. go kstate.

wish i had better words to write you, but i don't.

have a good last-first day of school seniors.