i'm scared.

so, as i have mentioned in previous posts, my life this year has many similarities to my life last year. and i am beginning to see it more and more. like last year, when my back was in a constant state of tightness. i couldn't sleep, i couldn't get past the "why is my upper back hurting so much" thought in my mind, and it was like this until the summerish. i think i get this way when i get stressed. so, ya'll i must be stressed.

this past thursday, we get lots of snow. well i guess we got it wednesday night, but our office closed on thursday. we got our second snow day in two weeks. it was great. so i decided to spend some much needed time alone at a coffee shop (something i miss doing so much, because i miss the coffee shops in manhattan, starbucks just isn't the same, and i am not hipster enough to go sit in a coffee shop in midtown/westport) and on my way to starbucks, i am listening to Taylor Swift, as I often resort to when there is nothing on the radio, and everyone knows her songs are all about this great story of falling in love and what not. and then it hit me.

i am scared out of my mind to get in a relationship again. not that i am anywhere close to this happening, but the more i think about it, the more i am scared of it. scared of letting someone else know me, know the depths of me, becoming vulnerable, letting them in, and then risking the pain and hurt of the idea that once they do get to know me, changing their mind and deciding they don't like the person i am. scares me out of my freaking mind.

and then i start thinking about where i will be in 6 months. a new job, possibly a new city/state. and part of me is all like "YES! A new start! Somewhere fun!" and then once i sit down and really think about it. it is so scary. going to a new place, alone, possibly not knowing a soul, and starting over. having to make new friends, new relationships, find a whole new life. and living alone. and knowing that it is so easy to just coup up in your apartment for the day, watching movies or wasting time on facebook, and then thinking that i could easily fall victim to that a lot more then i should if i ever do move somewhere i don't know anyone. and it scares me.

so as i sit here, reflecting on my life now, and last year, i have to remember that the God of the universe loves ME. and I am his daughter. and he has a plan for me. and he knows what i can take and what i can't. and he will provide. and this is becoming something i have to tell myself every morning when i get up, and every time i start searching for my next life move. look what he has done this year in my life-right? i thought it was going one way, and he took parts of what i thought would be in the equation out, and i am fine.

but it is so hard to give him full control of all of these things i am worried about. and the fact that i am worried about them means i have not given them over to God. and i need to. daily. daily. daily. because he knows what is best for me. and he knows what is best for you. and he has the whole world in his hands.

so friends, readers, whoever. next time i am all freaking out about my future, and complain about how tight my back is, remind me of this. because i can quickly forget.

Psalm 91

You who sit down in the High God's presence, spend the night in Shaddai's shadow,
Say this: "God, you're my refuge.
I trust in you and I'm safe!"
That's right—he rescues you from hidden traps,
shields you from deadly hazards.
His huge outstretched arms protect you—
under them you're perfectly safe;
his arms fend off all harm.
Fear nothing (not even being alone, or having a job)—not wild wolves in the night,
not flying arrows in the day,
Not disease that prowls through the darkness,
not disaster that erupts at high noon.
Even though others succumb all around,
drop like flies right and left,
no harm will even graze you.
You'll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance,
watch the wicked turn into corpses.
Yes, because God's your refuge,
the High God your very own home,
Evil can't get close to you,
harm can't get through the door.
He ordered his angels
to guard you wherever you go.
If you stumble, they'll catch you;
their job is to keep you from falling.
You'll walk unharmed among lions and snakes,
and kick young lions and serpents from the path.

^14-16 "If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,
"I'll get you out of any trouble.
I'll give you the best of care
if you'll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you, then throw you a party. (and at my party, we will dance!)
I'll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!"

the library--such a deal!!!

so i saw the social network (which is SO GOOD.) this weekend, and Mark Zuckerberg started facebook by (kinda) wanting to get back at an ex-girlfriend. and then i started thinking about all these things about relationships and stuff and started to write a post.. but i figured no one would really want to read that. so you are getting something else--that is a little less intense/focused on relationships. (to sum it up, I refuse to think that the only place to meet people after college is bars..) the end.

ok. anyways. so a couple of weeks ago I was at work reading an article about tiger woods, as I so often do, (not because i go out there looking for them..they

are just always on ESPN!) but I think they are interesting, so I

read them- anyways, a writer for ESPN, Robert Lusetich started writing a book when Tiger came back from his knee surgery and how he was going to come back and if he would be the "same tiger". well we all know what happens..he didn't really live up to expectations (except he did have some great rounds that people forget about) and then we all found out he was living a second life. but the book was actually very good, and I learned a lot about Tiger. But that is not the p

oint of the story..

I wanted to read this book, but didn't want to spend the $18 dollars on it, so i applied for a library card.

i forgot how great the library is! they have all the books you want to read there- and it costs nothing! This is great for me and my budget! and since I don't have cable, I have been reading a lot more. so it is a win-win! so after my recent rediscovery of how much i LOVE elephants (pictured below eating outside of my office when they were in town for the Circus) my mother suggested a book called "water for elephants" about a vet student who stops going to school and joins the circus, I decided that would have to be the next book I read. (Which i just googled it and found out that it is being made into a movie! I am so on top of it!)

but i totally forgot about how great the library is, they have so many books/dvds/cds for anyone to rent! i guess when i think of the library all i think about is Hale (which is not a happy thought..except i hear they have an Einstein bros now-so manhattan--how are those delicious pumpk

in bagels?) and the other Library that sells booze. but now i am taking full advantage of the Kansas City Public Library. so if you have any good book suggestions- send them my way. but not twilight. i refuse to read that.

so, friends. visit your local library this week- pick out a good book, snuggle up on the couch and read!

a commercial holiday.

well readers, i don't know if you are aware, but valentines day is coming up. and if i were writing this post a couple months ago, i would probably would be more bitter and such about relationships but right now, i can honestly say i am content at where i am.

but i still think this holiday is silly and if you love someone, why say it on this special day and not every day. but coming from a single, non bitter girl, if you are in a relationship, leave the PDA at a decent level during this time. for others sakes.

and boys, if you find yourself single during this month, and wish you weren't...well my only advice for you is to listen to all of Taylor Swifts songs and do exactly what she says. any girl would love that.

and i will leave you with this song, that pandora played for me this morning. its great.