i'm scared.

so, as i have mentioned in previous posts, my life this year has many similarities to my life last year. and i am beginning to see it more and more. like last year, when my back was in a constant state of tightness. i couldn't sleep, i couldn't get past the "why is my upper back hurting so much" thought in my mind, and it was like this until the summerish. i think i get this way when i get stressed. so, ya'll i must be stressed.

this past thursday, we get lots of snow. well i guess we got it wednesday night, but our office closed on thursday. we got our second snow day in two weeks. it was great. so i decided to spend some much needed time alone at a coffee shop (something i miss doing so much, because i miss the coffee shops in manhattan, starbucks just isn't the same, and i am not hipster enough to go sit in a coffee shop in midtown/westport) and on my way to starbucks, i am listening to Taylor Swift, as I often resort to when there is nothing on the radio, and everyone knows her songs are all about this great story of falling in love and what not. and then it hit me.

i am scared out of my mind to get in a relationship again. not that i am anywhere close to this happening, but the more i think about it, the more i am scared of it. scared of letting someone else know me, know the depths of me, becoming vulnerable, letting them in, and then risking the pain and hurt of the idea that once they do get to know me, changing their mind and deciding they don't like the person i am. scares me out of my freaking mind.

and then i start thinking about where i will be in 6 months. a new job, possibly a new city/state. and part of me is all like "YES! A new start! Somewhere fun!" and then once i sit down and really think about it. it is so scary. going to a new place, alone, possibly not knowing a soul, and starting over. having to make new friends, new relationships, find a whole new life. and living alone. and knowing that it is so easy to just coup up in your apartment for the day, watching movies or wasting time on facebook, and then thinking that i could easily fall victim to that a lot more then i should if i ever do move somewhere i don't know anyone. and it scares me.

so as i sit here, reflecting on my life now, and last year, i have to remember that the God of the universe loves ME. and I am his daughter. and he has a plan for me. and he knows what i can take and what i can't. and he will provide. and this is becoming something i have to tell myself every morning when i get up, and every time i start searching for my next life move. look what he has done this year in my life-right? i thought it was going one way, and he took parts of what i thought would be in the equation out, and i am fine.

but it is so hard to give him full control of all of these things i am worried about. and the fact that i am worried about them means i have not given them over to God. and i need to. daily. daily. daily. because he knows what is best for me. and he knows what is best for you. and he has the whole world in his hands.

so friends, readers, whoever. next time i am all freaking out about my future, and complain about how tight my back is, remind me of this. because i can quickly forget.

Psalm 91

You who sit down in the High God's presence, spend the night in Shaddai's shadow,
Say this: "God, you're my refuge.
I trust in you and I'm safe!"
That's right—he rescues you from hidden traps,
shields you from deadly hazards.
His huge outstretched arms protect you—
under them you're perfectly safe;
his arms fend off all harm.
Fear nothing (not even being alone, or having a job)—not wild wolves in the night,
not flying arrows in the day,
Not disease that prowls through the darkness,
not disaster that erupts at high noon.
Even though others succumb all around,
drop like flies right and left,
no harm will even graze you.
You'll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance,
watch the wicked turn into corpses.
Yes, because God's your refuge,
the High God your very own home,
Evil can't get close to you,
harm can't get through the door.
He ordered his angels
to guard you wherever you go.
If you stumble, they'll catch you;
their job is to keep you from falling.
You'll walk unharmed among lions and snakes,
and kick young lions and serpents from the path.

^14-16 "If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,
"I'll get you out of any trouble.
I'll give you the best of care
if you'll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you, then throw you a party. (and at my party, we will dance!)
I'll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!"

the end is near?

well, three weeks left of "summer" -aka when i move back to manhattan. and i can't wait. i miss that place.

i miss being close to all my friends, i miss being able to be on my own time and not have to worry about anyone else. i miss not having to drive 10 minutes to see someone. and all this talk about senior year is strange. i will go to my last first day of school this year. and its strange to think that in a year from now, i have 0% of an idea as to where i will be. i think God will open doors that i didn't think he would open for me, and he will give me a place to live and enough money to eat and such. and for this i am excited, because of the mystery of it all. but i am also scared that i will be alone? which is strange but recently it has been in the back of my mind. i thought that about this summer, and at times i have been alone-but i have also had some good times with friends, old and new. there are so many opportunities out there in the world, and if you would have asked me last summer where I thought i would be this summer i would have said lots of things that are definitely not the case.

i guess what i am kinda learning this summer is there is no reason to think about what you are missing out on, or what is to come in the next months, but live in the moments you have now, because who knows if those moments you dream about in the future will ever be true.

and keep your options open, especially in this economy.

on a different note, if anyone needs a date to the fray concert-i can clear my calendar...