i'm scared.

so, as i have mentioned in previous posts, my life this year has many similarities to my life last year. and i am beginning to see it more and more. like last year, when my back was in a constant state of tightness. i couldn't sleep, i couldn't get past the "why is my upper back hurting so much" thought in my mind, and it was like this until the summerish. i think i get this way when i get stressed. so, ya'll i must be stressed.

this past thursday, we get lots of snow. well i guess we got it wednesday night, but our office closed on thursday. we got our second snow day in two weeks. it was great. so i decided to spend some much needed time alone at a coffee shop (something i miss doing so much, because i miss the coffee shops in manhattan, starbucks just isn't the same, and i am not hipster enough to go sit in a coffee shop in midtown/westport) and on my way to starbucks, i am listening to Taylor Swift, as I often resort to when there is nothing on the radio, and everyone knows her songs are all about this great story of falling in love and what not. and then it hit me.

i am scared out of my mind to get in a relationship again. not that i am anywhere close to this happening, but the more i think about it, the more i am scared of it. scared of letting someone else know me, know the depths of me, becoming vulnerable, letting them in, and then risking the pain and hurt of the idea that once they do get to know me, changing their mind and deciding they don't like the person i am. scares me out of my freaking mind.

and then i start thinking about where i will be in 6 months. a new job, possibly a new city/state. and part of me is all like "YES! A new start! Somewhere fun!" and then once i sit down and really think about it. it is so scary. going to a new place, alone, possibly not knowing a soul, and starting over. having to make new friends, new relationships, find a whole new life. and living alone. and knowing that it is so easy to just coup up in your apartment for the day, watching movies or wasting time on facebook, and then thinking that i could easily fall victim to that a lot more then i should if i ever do move somewhere i don't know anyone. and it scares me.

so as i sit here, reflecting on my life now, and last year, i have to remember that the God of the universe loves ME. and I am his daughter. and he has a plan for me. and he knows what i can take and what i can't. and he will provide. and this is becoming something i have to tell myself every morning when i get up, and every time i start searching for my next life move. look what he has done this year in my life-right? i thought it was going one way, and he took parts of what i thought would be in the equation out, and i am fine.

but it is so hard to give him full control of all of these things i am worried about. and the fact that i am worried about them means i have not given them over to God. and i need to. daily. daily. daily. because he knows what is best for me. and he knows what is best for you. and he has the whole world in his hands.

so friends, readers, whoever. next time i am all freaking out about my future, and complain about how tight my back is, remind me of this. because i can quickly forget.

Psalm 91

You who sit down in the High God's presence, spend the night in Shaddai's shadow,
Say this: "God, you're my refuge.
I trust in you and I'm safe!"
That's right—he rescues you from hidden traps,
shields you from deadly hazards.
His huge outstretched arms protect you—
under them you're perfectly safe;
his arms fend off all harm.
Fear nothing (not even being alone, or having a job)—not wild wolves in the night,
not flying arrows in the day,
Not disease that prowls through the darkness,
not disaster that erupts at high noon.
Even though others succumb all around,
drop like flies right and left,
no harm will even graze you.
You'll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance,
watch the wicked turn into corpses.
Yes, because God's your refuge,
the High God your very own home,
Evil can't get close to you,
harm can't get through the door.
He ordered his angels
to guard you wherever you go.
If you stumble, they'll catch you;
their job is to keep you from falling.
You'll walk unharmed among lions and snakes,
and kick young lions and serpents from the path.

^14-16 "If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,
"I'll get you out of any trouble.
I'll give you the best of care
if you'll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you, then throw you a party. (and at my party, we will dance!)
I'll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!"

my life.

my life last year january:

• single

• graduating in may

• wanting an adventure

• not knowing what to do with my life

• but having fun

my life this year january:

• single

• done with internship in may

• wanting an adventure

• scared of applying for jobs

• having fun

• figuring out who i am.

and between this january and last i have gone through a roller coaster of emotions, as i'm sure everyone does in a year. but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

my mom always says that you figure out who you are in the first couple years out of college. and i believe her, mostly because she is my mom, but i am slowly figuring out more and more about myself, and who i want to be in the world, and who God wants me to be in the world.

so wish me luck, and hopefully in the next 6 months i will have a post telling all you readers (like the 2 of you) that i got a real time, big girl job, and i am moving to some awesome place on an adventure. and next january i won't have to dread job searching spring.

bottoms up to 2010

as i sit here, cuddled up in my favorite k-state sweatshirt (duh, it's winter, so i have it on all the freaking time), i can't help but think about the past year of my life. 2010. it had its ups and downs, like all years do- but overall, i can say that i learned a lot about who i am. i have now been graduated for 7 months, and i honestly have forgotten college life. it is so great to have a routine, and the weeks go by so quickly. i am learning SO much at work, and I get to do things i really enjoy doing.

while i am often envious of my friends back at k-state, that they get to go to games/all live within 5 minutes of each other, i am starting to realize that that chapter of my life is over. and the next one is just beginning. people around me are growing up, getting married, moving all over and becoming real functioning members of society.

in 2010 i went through joy, stress, heartbreak, unhappiness, confusion, and so much more. and i look forward to what 2011 is going to bring. there is so much unknown in my life, but when i think about it, the more i think about how God knows exactly what my life will entail. he knows what is going to come in the future, and he is preparing me for it with every life step i take.

and now i am watching the scene in chronicles of narnia and they are about to kill aslan. and it is such an incredible portrayal of what Jesus did for us. and it is beautiful.

peace out homeboys and here is to 2011.

is it wednesday?

no it is not. but i am all confused because i worked on sunday. so no i don't even know what day it is!

don't worry, i'll figure it out.

my to-do list.

make a kick a website to get me a kick a job when i am done with my kick a internship.

figure out how to cook for 1 with left overs, and make something besides a peanut butter and jelly for lunch

stop watching the news, man that stuff is depressing

figure out how to get into the sprint center next tuesday night to watch k-state play

yeah i don't have much to say except i have been

busy, taking on new things, and starting to love the community around me. isn't funny that i told God i didn't want to be in Kansas City, and then that is where he put me and now i am meeting all these new people who like to do fun things?

what do i know-right?

so i'm sure whatever he has planned for me next will continue to amaze me.

and for all you non kansas city folk, check out this sermon

peace. love. turkey.

timing.

isn't timing funny? it is something i will never understand. God's timing for things- it is so curiously exciting. (if that even makes sense).

like i am so curious about what his timing looks for my life, and i am excited to see what is going to happen in the future..get it?

but seriously. timing is everything, you have heard that before, right? Whether it is about relationships, cooking, eating, or even playing a simple game. if you don't hit it at the right time, then you lose.

God's timing-so often it seems unfair. why was it time for this young girl to die? or why wasn't the right time for me to get a job here? or why was it the right time for them to get married and not me?

I think people struggle with these questions so much as believers, and unbelievers. and it is hard for me to understand too- but today at church, they talked about hope.

and we should be so utterly amazed that a God who plans all these things, has a special timing for everyone and everything- and it is different for all. I should place my hope and trust in God, knowing he knows the right timing for me with whatever I want- relationships, jobs, etc. and that is what I should be focused on. Regardless of what I think is right for me, he KNOWS what is right for me, and that is so cool, ya know?

and I should focus on these things. and then, i should look at what I spend my time focusing on, and what idols are there, taking up my time. (and there are a lot.)

but i also think his timing is funny. cause, it is. and I think He sits up there, laughing when our timing is so different then his. because we think we know. haha.

*i realize this post probably makes no sense and it is just me thinking while typing, but whatever, no one reads this thing anyways, just putting my thoughts into words..or something.

but if you do read this, thanks!

^1-2 So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that's where the action is. See things from his perspective.

^3-4Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life—even though invisible to spectators—is with Christ in God. He is your life. When Christ (your real life, remember) shows up again on this earth, you'll show up, too—the real you, the glorious you. Meanwhile, be content with obscurity, like Christ.

its like, you can never plan your life.

ok,

i have learned my lesson. i'll stop.

i had plans last year, graduate, get a job in this fun, new, exciting place, and start this new life, and be so not the person anyone expected me to be. take a leap of faith and just go somewhere not knowing anyone and go on this adventure. and those plans, nope. that did not happen.

i got a job in the one place i wasn't looking, i moved in with someone i knew, and in a city i grew up in. and i had all these new plans, to have a new sort of adventure... and then, just as i was starting to adjust its like,

woah, don't even think about it. ya know?

i know that life is always changing, and you are always going through times, good/bad/rough/exciting/new/same/etc... but sometimes, don't you ever think--life isn't fair. just flat out, isn't fair, not what you deserve, not what you expected, etc etc etc. but i am certain God put me right where i NEED to be, surrounded by the people who I need to be surrounded by. i have always felt so so so blessed by the friendships i have, and i am continued to be amazed by the support, love and loyalty of my friends. and I know that in these times when my plans are like way off then God's, he is just saying, dude(ette), let it go, i know what is best for you, and even if it hurts or is hard or is challenging or is not what you expected, I'm here, watching over you. Find peace, find assurance in that.

and this time, I am, and I hope that next time you are faced with some silly situation, or things don't work out perfectly, you just stop and think, maybe the plans i was making, wouldn't have worked out. and i still plan on having that new adventure, it will just happen, without my plans.

and the bible verse my dad made me memorize a couple years ago to get my christmas presents tells me just that, looks like it got me more then just christmas presents. it gives me hope and a future.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

life after kearney

well. the day is here. My official last day in Manhattan as a resident. (I plan on visiting.. so it is not my last day here ever..).

so you may ask..what does tricia do on her last day in Manhattan? Well, I am currently sitting at Radinas. Reading and writing this thing. Then I will go home, continue to pack/ clean and then.. who knows what. Haha. Not too exciting right?

but my life is about to change..

I am about to move in to a new apartment, in a place that is semi foreign to me. I am then going to start a job I know little about what I will be doing. Although I did get more of a glimpse this week as I talked to last years intern. And I am excited. I will revert back to my high school life where I had to get up early, shower and spend the whole day in one place, but I think it will be good. A struggle at first, working for 8 hours a day, but also a good change. Don't get me wrong, I loved college, and the freedom I had, and the going to class only a couple hours a day..(when I went to class) but I need to grow up. I need to figure out who I am, what God has placed me on this earth for, and how to show his love to people.

and I trust that this is exactly where God wants me to be. If you would have asked me 3 months ago, I would tell you there is no way I would be in Kansas City after I graduated, but, here I am..that is where I am going. and I feel at peace about it, because I know that things wouldn't have fallen into place like they have been if God wasn't in control, and every day, I let him be a little bit more in control. He knows what he is doing, I need to trust in him more.

but it is still weird, I feel like I should be thinking about what books I need to buy, what recruitment clothes I need, and preparing myself for recruitment itself, but I don't! I have moved on.

So as I sit in Radinas, proudly wearing my ALUMNI shirt, it hits me.. that's what I am, and alum, and I am ready for the next part of my life.

serious time.

every once in a while a serious blog post happens. so get ready.

the enemy is so active, it scares me. just last night i had a dream and in it, a person who i consider to know me almost better then anyone else, told me (in my dream) that i wasn't special. he told me the reason we weren't together anymore and wouldn't ever be, was because i wasn't special, and i shouldn't get a high head that i am anything worth anything to anyone. now this was a dream, but i woke up and it was real. i felt hurt by it. just writing this brings tears to my eyes. I woke up feeling worthless and unloveable. i already have a lot of pain from this person, not necessarily his fault, but this adds to it, and it wasn't even him saying it. it was the enemy attacking me during one of my favorite things to do-sleep. not fair. so i started thinking, and i am doing a bible study with a friend and the verse we are memorizing goes like this: in three different ways:

Now therefore, if you will indeed obey my voice and keep my covenant, you shall be(A) my treasured possession among all peoples, for(B) all the earth is mine;

If you will listen obediently to what I say and keep my covenant, out of all peoples you'll be my special treasure. The whole Earth is mine to choose from, but you're special:

Now if you will obey me and keep my covenant, you will be my own special treasure from among all the peoples on earth; for all the earth belongs to me.

I have to keep saying this over and over in my head. I am special to the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE. he loves me. and it makes me feel great inside. i can no longer think of things said to me in the past, and in time i have to forgive the person who said them to me, and it will take a while, because deep down, i'm hurt by him but i know that God loves me and wants to hold me tight, forever. and i'm going to let him.

go out and be God's special treasure.

3 months.

Daylight savings. it is sillyish. i mean i like the extra hour of daylight and whatnot but today when i woke up, it was already noon! i mean, it isn't like i have a lot to do with my day today, but still, just knowing i spent half the day sleeping seems silly. but can't change it now-right so i must seize the day i have. what should i do...?

recently i have been going to the driving range a lot. i love it. and realize how much i have missed it. i think my favorite thing about high school and the thing i miss the most is golfing. going out everyday after school with some of the most fun girls ever and doing something i love and am okay at. i'll be honest, after i went to the driving range the first time this week, i was sore the next day, but it felt so good. if anyone out there that reads this would like to go with me sometime.please let me know, i always like a friend.

on another note, i went on a retreat this weekend, and it was great. there is something good God does when you are with people you don't really know but all love him. he is teaching me that he loves me and will never leave me, and i don't need to worry about that. i am experiencing his love every day, and it feels good.

and then last night i watched i think what could be my all time favorite movie. i say this because we started it at 1030 and i stayed awake for the whole thing, that is saying something. a league of their own. what a classic. i have probably seen it over 30 times in my life. maybe more. watch it, it will make you feel better about yourself.

well onward to the week. 2 midterms and then spring break. (which...seriously? already spring break?)